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Sedans kept coming and stopped right outside the automatic door and mousy men, who were obviously very different from my father, who looked as if they could go for miles in the pouring rain without getting a single drop on them, kept getting off those cars. My father would greet them with an exaggerated salute every time. 

Father’s stately build and unreasonably flashy clothes were a clown’s costume made to fulfill the superiority complex of those mice in ties. 

Only then did I read the sign ‘security office’ above the office window.

그는 <청소년이여, 야망을 가져라>의 서두에서

그의 생애를 지배해 온 세 가지의 정열에 대해 말하고 있다.

그것은 사랑에 대한 동경과 지식의 탐구,

고통받고 박해받는 약하고 가난한 이웃들에 대한 참을 수 없을 연민이라는 거였다.

그 대목은 늘 내 정결한 피를 끓게 했다.

그것이야말로 사람이 죽는 날까지 정열을 바칠 가치가 있는 것이었다. 

In the introduction to his “Boys, Be Ambitoius” he talked about the three passions that ruled his life. Those were the desire for love, exploration of knowledge, and irrepressible compassion for the weak and needy who were suffering and oppressed. That passage always made my innocent blood boil. Those were the values truly worthy of my passion until the day I died.

“신성한 공부방에 저따위 사진을 붙여놓고 공부가 될 성 싶으냐?”

“How can you study with those pictures all around your room?” (Father)

“아버지, 이 분은 딴따라가 아녜요. 이 분은...” 

“Father, he’s not some celebrity. He is...” (Son)

“그 작자 전구라 아니냐?

 한땐 그 작자가 아버지 발밑에 엎드려 살려달라고 싹싹 빈 적이 있었지”

“Isn’t this Jeon Gu-ra? He had at one time thrown himself at my feet and begged for his life.” 

“그, 그럴 리가요, 아버진 뭔가 잘못 알고 계신 겁니다.”

“No way. You must be mistaken.” 

“인석아, 서둘지 말고 남의 말 좀 들어봐.”

“Don’t rush me. Just listen.”

# Interview with literary critic Bang Min-ho 

The boy believed Jeon Gu-ra to be a great man, judging from all the books he’s written. The boy thought that he should take after this man whose noble spirit was conveyed through his writing. But his idol turned out to be a douchebag who cut in line, used the irrational social class structure to put a vulnerable person in legal trouble. Imagine how shocked the boy was when he heard that story from his father? It must have been a great shock to a boy about to take his first step into the real world and be a real man. 

아버지가 나를 풀 속으로 팽개쳤을 때 

허우적대다 땅바닥을 딛기까지는 순식간이었고,

아버지가 자신의 우상을 스스로 깨뜨리고 나를 자동문 밖으로 팽개쳤을 때

허우적대다가 설 자리를 찾기까지는 꽤 오랜 시간이 걸렸었다.

When Father threw me into the pool, I floundered for only a moment before I found my footing. When Father destroyed my idol and threw me outside of the automatic door, it took me some time before I found my bearing. 

그러나 지금의 이 허우적거림에서 설자리를 찾고

바로 서기까지는 좀 더 오랜 시일이 걸릴 것 같다.

But it would take much longer for me to find my bearing from this floundering and stand on my own.

어쩌면 내가 외부에서 찾던 진정한 늠름함, 진정한 남아다움을

앞으론 내 내부에서 키우지 않는 한

그건 영원히 불가능한 채, 다만 허우적거림만이 있는지도 모르겠다.

Perhaps the true dignity, the true manliness that I was searching for outside would be impossible to find unless I found it within me. I would only be stumbling until then. 

내 홀로 늠름해지기란, 아, 그건 얼마나 고되고도 고독한 작업이 될 것인가.

나는 고독했다.

아버지의 낄낄낄이 내 고독을 더욱 모질게 채찍질했다.

To become manly by myself. Oh, what a difficult and lonely challenge that would be. I was all alone. My father’s chortle whipped my loneliness even more harshly.