ⓒ Getty Images Bank

The phone vibrated again. I didn’t recognize the number, so I turned off the phone completely.

I reported the company to the police, but nothing changed. The factory was still running. Perhaps one day there will be a raid and all the products will be recalled. But will my reporting have anything to do with that “one day?” 

I don’t know. 

I simply added on a rock.

난 내부 고발자가 되는 건가?

당연히 잘리겠지?

대출금 이자는 어쩌지?

괜히 신고했다가 무고죄 같은 걸로 고소당하면 어쩌지?

Am I going to be a whistleblower? Of course, they were gonna fire me. How am I going to pay off my loan? What if I get sued for making a false accusation after I report it to the police? 

며칠 동안 편두통이 심해지도록 고민했다.

아침 저녁마다 초조한 마음으로 프탈레이트 가소제를 검색했다.

환경 호르몬 추정 물질이며 발암 물질이라고 했다.

그런데도 장난감뿐 아니라 각종 생활용품에서 자주 검출된다고 했다.

다들 알고도 쓰는 건가?

그렇게 나쁘지는 않은 건가?

생각할수록 헷갈렸다.

I thought about it so hard that it brought me migraine. I anxiously looked up everything about phthalate plasticizers on the internet all day long. It was a endocrine disruptor and a carcinogen. Yet it was frequently detected in not only toys but also in assorted household products. Is everyone okay with that fact? Could it be that the substance is not that bad? The more I thought about it, the more confused I became. 

Interview with SNU Korean literature professor Bang Min-ho

This story has two problems – one is the difficulty of dealing with a crime at the narrator’s toy company and the other is the incident from the narrator’s childhood. Each problem is represented as a rock that cannot be removed from the narrator’s heart. The author was trying to say that everyone in the world has a pain, a sad mistake he or she must bear responsibility for. 

그 때 내가 무엇을 피하려고 했는지 이제는 안다.

내가 어떨 때 거짓말하는 인간인지,

무엇을 부끄러워하고 무엇에서 도망치는 인간인지 생각하기 싫었다.

그래서 잊고 살았다.

비슷한 일이 반복될수록 더 잊으려고 했다.

I know now what I was trying to avoid back then. I knew when I lied and what I was ashamed of and what I trying to run away from, but I didn’t even want to think about all that. So, I chose to forget. I tried to forget more as similar incidents were repeated throughout my life. 

결국 나는 나쁜 짓을 나누며 먹고 사는 어른이 되었다.

괜찮지 않다는 걸 알면서도 괜찮겠지, 아직은 괜찮겠지,

기만하는 수법에 익숙해져 버린 형편없는 어른.

I ended up being a grownup who grew accustomed to bad things, an awful grownup who knew something was not right but became used to deceiving oneself that everything was still okay. 

---

Choi Jin-young (Born in Seoul, 1981~)

Debuted with short story “The Top” in 2006