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“Yokatta” by Jeong Seon-im

2023-12-26

ⓒ Getty Images Bank
I got a call when I was learning hangeul from Jin last Thursday. 

“Am I talking to Ms. Seo Yeon-hwa? You turned one hundred this year, right?” 

The caller, who claimed to be a writer for a well-known radio program, couldn’t hide the curiosity in her voice. 

“Your name is so pretty.”

You mean for a hundred-year-old lady, I thought cynically. Whether my name was Mal-sun or Yeon-hwa, I was still an old lady. At the market Mal-sun was called Mokpo Granny and I Granny Yokatta, because I ended almost all my sentences with the Japanese word ‘Yokatta.’


서연화, 그러니까 백 살치고 세련된 내 이름은 본래 언니 것이다.
내가 태어나자마자 몇 달 뒤 죽었다는 언니, 서연화.
그 사실을 알게 된 뒤로 몇 년간은 누군가가 내 이름을 부를 때면 
본 적도 없는 언니를 떠올리곤 했다.
한동안 네, 라고 대답하면 누군가가 같이 대답하는 소리가 들리는 듯했다.
살다보니 언니의 나이에도 이름에도 익숙해졌다.
The name Seo Yeon-hwa, the name too sophisticated for a hundred-year-old woman, belonged to my older sister. My sister Seo Yeon-hwa died a few months after I was born. For a few years after I learned about my sister, I would be reminded of her whom I had never seen whenever someone called out my name. Whenever I said ‘yes’ to that name, I imagined her answering that name as well. I got used to her age and name over time. 

언니의 사망신고도, 내 출생 신고도 하지 않은 이유를 
그저 아버지가 언니를 그리워했기 때문이라고 생각한 적도 있다.
점심 도시락을 싸서 염전에서 일하는 아버지를 찾아갔었다.
아버지는 동료와 이야기를 나누고 있었다.
At one time, I believed that the reason my sister’s death wasn’t reported or my birth registered was because my father didn’t want to let her go. 
I had once visited my father at the salt field to bring him lunch. He was talking with his coworker.

“귀찮아서 그랬지. 사는 게 바빠서.” 
“It was too much of a hassle. I was busy making a living.” 

아버지에게 어떻게 도시락을 건네줬는지는 기억나지 않지만
발갛게 달아올라 있던 봄의 열기만은 또렷이 기억난다.
낮이었고 주위가 너무 환해 빨리 땅거미나 져 어두워졌으면 하던 마음도.  
I don’t remember what I said as I handed him the lunchbox, but I clearly remember the warmth of the spring. Also, that the sun was too bright, and I wanted dusk to come as quickly as possible.


# Interview with literary critic Jeon So-yeong
Granny Yokatta became a dead person when she took her older sister’s name and lived her life. It’s a moving scene, because she has repeated ‘yokatta’ all her life not because her life was really fortunate, but because she needed to hide her pain and suffering behind that word. She remembers her younger, sadder self when she closes her eyes. This story is about how a woman who had experienced many tragedies in Korea’s contemporary history as a nameless person comes to face her true self.


서재에 있던 책들은 남김없이 내다 팔았고,
그 후로는 뒤를 돌아보지 않고 살았다.
바다가 데려간 것은 잊었고 다시 내어준 것을 팔아서 살았다.
가끔 이름이 불릴 때마다 구멍에 숨어 있다 잡혀 나온 게들처럼 당황했다.
하지만 또 다시 구멍 속으로 돌아갈 수 있었다.
아무도 나를 궁금해하지 않았으니까.
다행이었지.  요카타, 요카타.    
I sold all the books in the study and have never looked back since then. I forgot about the things the sea took away and made a living by selling the stuff the sea allowed me. Whenever my name was called, I became flustered like the crabs seized out of their holes. However, I could always return to my hole because nobody wondered about me.           
I was fortunate. Yokatta, yokatta. 

만조다.  물이 들어오고 있다.
얇은 습자지 한 장 같은 오늘을 서둘러 뜯어내고 아침을 기다리고 싶다.
해가 지기 전에, 푸르스름한 어둠이 찾아오기 전에,
다시 눈을 감고 그림자를 쫓기 전에 집으로 돌아가야 하는데.
나는 지금 어디로 가야 하는지 모른다.
It is full tide. The water is coming in. I want to rip today apart, as thin as a sheet of paper, and wait for the morning. I have to go home before the sun set, before the bluish darkness came, before I close my eyes and chase the shadow.
But I don’t know where I should go.


Jeong Seon-im (Born in Incheon, 1978~ )
Debuted with short story “Whisper” in 2018
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